it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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