Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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