tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Randomize
