I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
