I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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