she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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