white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize