She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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