We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
These tits shall not be calmed
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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