I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
