I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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