How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
