It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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