Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
