i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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