im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize