it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
