everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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