never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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