I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
