Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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