Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize