I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
