i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
