pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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