I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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