i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
