just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Less talking, more tequila
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My ass is underappreciated
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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