I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
