got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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