I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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