fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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