dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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