two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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