someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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