drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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