I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
