Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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