i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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