Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
