I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize