maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
