in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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