Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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