For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
