im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
