the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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