Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
