you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
