Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
