just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
