He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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