U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
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