never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
