god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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