saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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