Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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