Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
