Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
