My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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