can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
