I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
