i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i believe in u and ur pee
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
