The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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