im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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