I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
