Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
