How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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