Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
