I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
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